Galway Bart's Fonee Dyree

Well, it waws anuddur unkumftabul nyt awn dhe settee fur mee. It turnd owt dhat Aymonn’s gerlfrend Jesseeka had moovd in wyl my bak waws turnd an hee iss reelee undur hur thum. Wee kudint tawk prawpurlee widh hur sittin dher lissnin too uss, an hee kudint go owt widh mee beekaws shee ses dhay arr sayvin harrd too gett marreed an hee iss nawt too spend ennee munnee at awl awn durink. Pur Aymonn had a kynd awv huntid luk wen shee sed dhis. I haytid too see sumwun hoo yustoobee so prowd an indupendunt hangin hiss hed lyk dhat. It reelee mayd mee kurinj. So now I had too prawblums, wawt toodoo abowt my anoyn ant an wawt toodoo abowt pur Aymonn. Reelee, sumtyms juss livin iss burdinsum.Wen I gawt hom hawblin I fownd pur Dawlee waytin fur mee beesyd dhe hedj. Shee had tryd too gett in dhe windo awv my room as yooshooal butt my horribul ant slammd it down neerlee choppin off hur tayl. Dawlee tol mee dhat shee awlso menshund sumting abowt Irish styoo, wich waws verree meen awv hur an mayd mee eevun morr determint too fiks hur wunss an furawl assoon as I kud. Normlee I juss push opin my dorr an go insyd, butt tooday I fownd dhat Ant Ysolda had lawkd it an shee pritendud nawt too heer mee nawkin. Wen shee did dayn too opin dhe dorr, shee tol mee too bee shur too wyp my feet wen I kaym into my on howss, wich waws infyureeaytin, an shee sed awlso dhat Dawlee wud hav too stay owtsyd lyk a propur sheep, dhe cheek awv hur. Nowun speeks abowt my Dawlee lyk dhat an getts away widh it, an I gayv it too my Ant Ysolda hawtt an hevee, I kan tell yoo. Dhis had such an effek awn hur dhat shee lett mee doo dhe wawshin up an awl hur yrnin wyl shee wawchd Koronayshun Street awn dhe tellee. An acleest its wawrm owtsyd dhese nyts, so Dawlee wont fureez.Laytur awn hoo shud kum rownd too see uss butt Missus ORylee so lyk dhe gennelman I am I left dhem tawkin toogeddur an went up dhe hill widh Dawlee fur owr eevunin konstichooshunal. As I went up Maggee happund too bee kummin down. Shee had awn wun awv hur partiklee prittee duressis, an I thawt awv komplimentin hur butt dhen I reememburrd dhat I didunt reelee lyk hur an turnd my hed dhe uddur way. Fur sum reesun dhis mayd hur laff an shee beegan too skip down dhe hill lyk a littul gerl sumwun has givin sumting nyss too. An dhen hoojoo tink I saw skulkin behynd a rawk butt dhat lamposs Mikee OHoolihan, hoos famlee my deer muddur awlways sed waws kommun as muk, an suddinlee it waws kleer too mee wawt had been goin on awl dhe tym behynd my bak. An I waws filld widh a rayj so terribul dhat I had too forss myself too go on up dhe hill or els I wud hav turnd rownd an givun Mikee such a belt dhat heed nevur furgettit. So now my lisst awv enimees iss getting longur, an has three peepul on it, my Ant Ysolda, Aymonns gerlfrend Jesseeka, an Mikee OHoolihan. At dhis rayt Im goin too need dhe hol Talyin Maffya on my syd.

I gawt up errlee dhis mawrnin tinkin I wud go fur a wawk widh Dawlee, butt juss as I putt my nos owtsyd dhe door hoo shud I see kummin along dhe path butt my Ant Ysolda furom Dublin, hoo iss my wurs nytmerr. I tryd too shut dhe dorr butt I waws too layt. Shee has nawt loss ennee awv hur faymd atletikism an had hur fut ovur dhe treshold beforr I kud sukseed. Wen shee hadad a gud luk rownd my playss, widh lawts of tungklikin an gaspin, an waws sittin down in Dawlees cher by dhe stov, shee lukked at mee in dhat horriblee noin way awv hurs an sed, Well an watts awl dhis Iv been heerin abowt yoo maykin a disgrayss awv dhe famlee an dhe tryb?

I nyoo imeejiclee dhat Missus Orylee had gawt in tuch widh hur, dhe olbich, butt I tryd too luk innesint as I awfurrd too mayk hur sum tee. In dhis kichin, shee ses, hur ybrows goin up undur hur herr. I lukkd arownd. Watts rong widh it, I sed. Iff yur purr muddur wer heer, sheed tellyoo kwik enuff, ses shee. Dhats wawt mayd mee angree, hur sayin dhat abowt my muddur, hoo awl hur lyf haytid hur guts. I havint tuchd a ting sinss shee dyd, I tol my ant. Its dhe verree saym as dhe day shee left. Yes, I kan see dhat, shee sneerd. It shurlee luks lyk it. Itwaws at dhat momint I disydid it waws tym too doo sumting abowt my Ant Ysolda, butt wawt dhis willbee I kant imajin juss yet. Butt itwill bee sumting gud awl ryt.

Luklee, beein furom Dublin, my ant didunt notiss enneeting straynj wen I sed I waws goin owt too feed dhe sheep. Wen hur bak waws turnd I manijd too sneek Dawlee owt awv dhe bedroom an wen wee gott arown dhe kornir awv dhe pathway wee beegan too run. I wasint shur wer wee wer runnin, butt juss that I wawntid too gett away furom my awfull ant. Butt too my suprys I fownd myself owtsyd Maggee’s kottij an as luk wud hav it shee waws juss leevin too go sumwer. I stoppd an sed, O hy Maggee, an shee laffd as shee pulld dhe dorr beehynd hur an sed, So how dijoo lyk yur vistur dhis mawrnin, an I reememburrd dhen dhat I didunt lyk Maggee enneemorr. So I juss preetendid I didunt heer hur an wawkd awn up dhe hill, awldho my hart waws powndin an kwyt sor. I reelysd dhen dhat I waws suffrin furom troo luv an dhat shod mee sumting reveelin, wich iss dhat yoo dont hav too lyk sumwun too luv dhem, wich eksplayns how my Ant Ysolda had manijd too meet sumwun hoo wud marree hur. It muss bee dhis kemistree ting dhat dhayr awlways tawkin abowt awn dhe tellee an I wundurd wawt wud happin if sumwun sprayd sumting in dhe err dhat mayd dhe kemistree stawp wurkin. I imajind awl dhe peepul lyk my ant an Missus ORylee suddinlee beein fownd owt an turfd furom dher kosee homs by dher husbans and wyvs hoo suddinlee had dhe massks reemoovd furom dher yss.

Dhen I gawt too tinkin abowt hoo mayd dhe kemistree in dhe furs playss. It kudint bee Gawd, beekawss hee wud hav been abul too mayk dhos peepul nyssur too start widh, so no kemistree wud bee needid too mayk uddurs fawl in luv widh dhem. I waws juss tinkin awl dhis wen I fell down into a rabbit hol an twistid my ankul, an so I had too putt away such foolish thawts an try too gett bak down dhe hill by hawpin. I disydid I wudint go bak hom beekaws if dhers wun ting wurss dhan beein stuk in dhe hows widh my Ant Ysolda, its beein stuk dher widh hur awn onlee wun legg. So insted I disydid too go an see my frend Aymonn hoo livs in dhe villij.

Aymonn iss wawt dhay kawl a harrd tikit. Evreewun tinks hee is jokin wen hee iss seeryus an seeryus wen hee is jokin. Dhats wy hee sumtyms ends up in jayl aftur jokin widhe gards an sumtyms gets away widh murdur wen hee is seeryus. Wich is wy I thawt I wud go too see him an ask him abowt my Ant Ysolda, dhe anoyn bich.

I didunt gett a chanss too ryt my dyree yesturday ass I waws so bizee gettin reddy fur dhe bawl. I hadent gott a blak shurt an had too spend owrs lukkin fur sum mud too roll my gud wyt wun in – wee havent had much rayn layclee. Dhen Dawlee thawt dhat I waws playin an jumpd intoo dhe mud too, so I had too wawsh hur wen wee gawt hom, wich took a lawt morr tym. Dhen I had too lawk hur in dhe bedroom so dhat shee wuddent follo mee down too dhe villij.

Dher wer twelv awv us at dhe bawl, wich startid at nyn, wen awl dhe wimmin had arryvd. Wee had too hyd beehynd dhe hawl wawl so dhey wuddint see us an it waws awflee harrd too bee kwyt. Mikee OHoolihan awlmos gayv dhe gaym away by snortin widh lafftur. I muss say dhat wen I saw Maggee kummin down dhe hill widh hur frend Soosun Ograydee, I felt a littul sawree butt I cuddint lett my feelins fur hur affek my dyootee too dhe menn.

Wen awl dhe wimmin had gawn insyd an klosd dhe dorr, wee krept owt awv owr hydin playss an srowndid dhe hawl. At a signul furom Josuf, hoom wee kawl Saynt Josuf beekaws hee spends so much tym in dhe church, wee awl beegan too mayk noyses, showtin an bloin wissels an bangin stiks awn dhe wudden wawls, an wee kudd heer dhe wimmin skreemin insyd widh shawk.

It waws grayt funn an I waws tinkin how much I luv owr annyool parish hawl bawl wen I reelysd evreewun had gawn kwyt. I turnd rownd an hoo shud bee beehynd uss butt a bunsh awv udder wimmin wee didunt rekinys. It turnd owt dhat dhe parish wimmin wer havin anuddur wimmin’s klub ovur fur gests an dhay wer layt kummin beekaws dher buss brok down ovur dhe hill an dhay had too wawk, wich iss wy wee didunt heer dhem widh awl dhe noys wee wer maykin.

So dhe parish hawl bawl endud widh dhe wimmin doin dhe bawlin fur dhe furst tym in livin memree. It waws no funn at awl havin too go insyd an tayk owr punshment, wich waws too bee dhe wimmin’s slayvs fur dhe rest awv dhe eevnin, maykin tee fur dhem an passin rownd dhe cups an wawshin up lyk a groop awv pansees, lissnun too dhem diskussin dhe laytist fashuns an deskrybin horribul oprayshuns dhay awr dher relutivs had had. Eevun Saynt Josuf had too doo wawt hee waws tol orr tayk dhe konskwensis, wich Missus ORylee furom dhe pos tawfis sed wud involv hur havin a wurd widh dhe bishup of Gawlway, an shee sed hee shud bee ashaymd awv himself hee beein a parish preest an awl. Shee didunt say wawt shee waws goin too doo too Mistur ORylee laytur, butt wee awl kan gess enneeway.

Maggee preetendud nawt too wawnt too speek too mee, an mayd mee pik up hur kup furom dhe grownd by hur feet three tyms an reefill it fur hur, wich I tink waws eksessuv, butt I had too giv in widh a gud grayss an akt ass iff I didunt mynd wun bitt. Im nawt shur I lyk Maggee enneemorr.

Wurs awv awl, wen I gott hom Dawlee had sumhow herd dhe nyoos, bekaws shee wuddint lett mee into dhe bedroom an I had too spend dhe hol nyt lyin awn dhe settee, wich iss verree short an gayv mee kramp in my leggs. Dhen in dhe mawrnin, wen shee still wuddent lett mee in, I reelysd dhat itwaws I myself had lawkd dhe dorr lass nyt, so I had slep awn dhe settee fur nuttin. Its taykin mee dhe hol day too gett ovur dhe ekspeeryanss an I tink fur dhe neks parish hawl bawl wee will hav too mayk shur wee doo it awn a nyt wen dher arr no visturs, ass I don tink I cud berr such hyoomileeayshun agen.

Wen I woke aftur my too owrs sleep, it waws such a luvlee mawrnin dhat I thawt I wud go an see my frend Maggee hoo livs down dhe hill, an bring hur my trowsurs. Shee had remarkd dhe lass tym I saw hur (at dhe parish toodoo at dhe weekend) dhat my zip mussbee brokun, an I had askd hur iff shee wud fiks it fur mee an shee sed shee wud, laffin in dhat way of hurs dhat I lyk. Enneeway I sett off widh Dawlee, my sheep (naymd aftur yoo no hoo) an fownd dhat Maggee had furgottun wawt shee sed, butt wen I remyndid hur shee didunt putt up a fuss butt gott down hur soin bocks. Dhat gerl, I luv dhe way shees awlways laffin.

Enneeway, aftur dhe job waws dun, I askd hur iff shee wawntid too kum fur a wawk widh mee. As I tolyoo dhe uddur day, I am a bit awv an artisst, an my medium iss dhe incorprayshun of fownd itums into lanskayps awv my imajinayshun. At dhe momint Im workin awn a seeskayp dhat incorprayts seegull drawpins, an dhis kan bee a bit diffkult, as it tayks a long tym too klekt dhe drawpins. Yoo hav too yoos a nyf too skrayp dhem away an eeven dhen sum awv dhem eskayps throoyur fingurs an so it waws wundurful too hav Maggee too help mee ass shee iss so gud widhur fingurs, so nimbul an kwik. In fak, shee waws so gud atit dhat aftur a wyl dher seemd no poynt in my kontinyooin an so I sat bak agenst dhe kliff an pawndurd my nekst peess. In fak, I disydid too doo a hol seerees, wich wud giv mee a lawt awv tym widh Maggee, lissnin too hur wisdum an hur luvlee laff. As my pur muddur yoostoosay, I am nawt as green as Im kabbij-lukkin, ha ha. I am awlso goin too pressent wun awv my peesis too dhe Teeshok wen hee kums in Novembur too opin dhe villij kompyootur sentur.

Wen wee had klektid enuff drawpins, I waws feelin reelee hungree, so I askd Maggee bak too my playss fur lunsh. But shee thawt it waws too far too wawk an enneeway shee sed shee wawsunt sertin abowt my abiltee too kuk a deesint awmlett, an awfurrd too feed mee insted, wich I akseptid grayshushlee – my pur muddur waws awlways moss insistint awn gud mannurs, wich I havunt furgottun. An enneeway, I had left my trowsurs at Maggee’s an I wawntid too wer dhem too dhe parish hawl bawl toomorro nyt. I didunt menshun dhis too Maggee, awv kors, as shee myt tink I waws maykin a proposishun too hur. Dhe omlett waws verree nyss, awldho dher waws a gud bit of shell in it, wich waws nawt dhe way my muddur yoostoo mayk it. Maggee didunt mynd my poyntin dhis owt too hur, shee onlee laffd agen. Wawt a gerl.

Wen I gawt bak too my howss, I diskuvurd dhat my Dawlee waws missin. I tryd too rekawl wer I had seen hur last butt waws too tyrd aftur dhe mowntin wyn Maggee had givvun mee. But it waws tinkin awv Dawlee gayv mee a grayt ydee. Wy nawt doo a seerees awv mowntin peesis yoosin sheep drawpins? Dhay arr much eesyar too pik up an too bring home widhowt braykin. An Maggee luvs wawkin in dhe mowntins. So dhat is wawt Iv disydid too doo.

Now awl dhis tinkin has mayd mee tyrd, so Im goin too sleep for an owr or too beeforr I get goin awn my seeskayps. Wyl yoo arr snoozin yur hed off I will bee hard at wurk, so I will juss say gud nyt!

Iv bin a littul bit borrd layclee an sumwun (hoo shalbee naymless) tolmee abowt bloggs, wer yoo ryt down dhe things dhat yoovbin dooin wijur day, an I thawt Id lyk too hav a go an maybee peepul wud lyk too reed it. Butt furst lett mee telyoo hoo I am an wawt I doo.

My naym is Galway Bart, hoo is wun awv dhe orijnal Galways. Ha ha, bechoo think dhis is spokun lyk dhe cowntee Galway, buttitsnawt. Dhe way too say dhe naym awv dhe cowntee is Gawlway, wyl my naym sownds lyk gal in dhose kowboy singin tings abowt wundurfull gals (buchoo kan kawl mee Gawlway fur handeeness iff it soochoo – see Im no stiklur an most peepul doo rownd heer). An tawkin awv gals plees not now dhat Im nawt mareed an am awlways willin too lissen too enneewun hoo has herd awv a nyss gerl fur mee. So aftur sayin dhiss I will telyoo abowt myself so yoo kan no wawt yoo arr tawkin abowt.

As I sed abuv, my fawdur waws a Galway, ded now unforchunaclee throo a seeryus errur awv myn, but I waws onlee lernin too dryv dhe traktur at dhe tym, an my muddur waws wun awv dhe faymus Wylds awv Konnimarra, awlso ded unforchunaclee throo anuddur errur awv myn by leevin dhe lid off dhe well wyl I waws still onnlee lernin. So I am an orfun reelee an troolee, but nawt a veree sad wun, beekaws lyf is too gud too bee sad ovur an I hav a nachurlee sunee disposishun.

Enneeway, I am a membur awv dhe fonee tryb awv Gawlway an ashoo kan see I ryt fonee verree well now dhat my spellin iss gettin bettur. Dhe fonees wer dhe furst Yrish peepul too embrayss dhe invaydur an too beekum morr Inglish dhan dhe Inglish dhemselvs, ass parrt awv dher stratijee awv taykin ovur Ingland, wich wee will doo enneeday now. Dher arr nawtso mennee awv us left in Yrland now an dher is konstint preshur furom dhe guvvurment too giv up owr way awv rytin, sayin dhat it iss verree harrd too reed an kawsus biggg problums fur Leevin Sert krekturs, butt wee onlee say too bad beekaws wee arr dhe orijnal fonees an wontbee ekstingwishd juss fur uddur peepuls konveenyunss.

Enneeway agen, my hobees arr nyoomrus. I traynspot evree day (three trayns a week go by dhe bak dorr awv my kottij, buchoo nevur no), bellring fur owr lokul presbitreen church, wer I am part awv dhe congragayshun (dhe uddur part is dhe rev) bekaws dhe katlik wun iss too farr too wawk too, klekt fayree rings, kownt dhe lokul sheep (hardir dhanyoo myt think – dhay doobee moovin arownd awl ovur dhe playss, dhe littul shyts), bild burd howses fur kookoos (too stop dhem anoyn dhe uddur burds), doo jigs an reels (speshlee owtside murfees pub wen dhers sumwun in dhe gents beforr mee, ha ha), an practiss my fonee spellin ass my kulchurl kontrabyooshun too sosytee. By dhe way I shud telyoo dhat in troo fonee I iss reelee Y, butt wee hav mayd dhiss smawl konseshun awv yoosin I insted too sho how brodmyndid wee arr. Biggggg klap, plees, ha ha.

I am awlso a bit awv an arrtisst, butt morr awv dhat laytur. Dhe impawrtunt ting now iss nawt too ofurwemyoo wid my verchoo-ossitee butt too mayk frends widhyoo awl. So plees doo lett mee no hooyoo arr an ask mee kweschuns iffyoo lyk or mayk komints or enneetin elss dhat is nawt pornagraffik (dhat iss, dusint beegin widh a pee, a kay orr an ezed). O, by dhway, I nevvur toljoo my ayj, wich iss fortee-pluss, wich meens ovur aytee yeers too go beeforr I kan think awv sloin down. Sumtyms I tyr myself owt juss thinkin abowt it. Its dhe jenetik inputt awv dhe Wylds awv Konnimarra dhat kawsus dhiss an mayks it verree harrd too sleep awlso. So Im rytin dhiss in dhe middul awv dhe nyt, wid Dawlee by my syd. O I havint toljoo abowt Dawlee yet, butt enuff iss enuff an morr toomorro. Gud nyt!