Galway Bart's Fonee Dyree

Erlee dhis mawrning I manijd too eskayp an heer I am now. I feel meen abowt tying up dhat nyss nurss but dher waws no choyss. I spos shee wont wawnt too go owt widh mee enneemor now, butt unfawrchunclee it waws hur or mee. Sumtyms it juss kums down too sumthing ass simpul ass dhat. I dont no wy dhay had mee in dher in dhe furst playss. QT sed it waws juss a preekawshun butt agenst whawt he didunt say. I am reelee going too hav too wurk hard now too kach up on my wurk iff its too bee reddy fur Septembur.

Well, I thawt an thawt abowt my prawblum dhe hol nyt widhowt kumin up widh a slooshun. Pur Dawlee kudint gett too sleep widh dhe way I waws tawsin an turnin an in dhe end shee gawt down awf dhe bed an went too sleep awn dhe rugg. I am a gud mann, juss dhe way my muddur wawntid mee too bee, an so I doo nawt wawnt too leed enneewun up dhe gardin path. I thawt Maggee waws happee widh Mikee OHoolihan, butt furom dhe way shee waws lukkin at mee tooday it is nawt so. Juss a fyoo shawrt days ago I wud hav been pleesd too hav hur lukkin at mee lyk dhat, butt now I hav met Kameel I kan onlee tink awv hur. Isunt dhe mynd fikkul? I shud tell Maggee how I feel an maybee evun burring Kameel too meet hur, butt my trowsurs need soin agen wer dhe trypawd stuk intoo dhem, an maybee Maggee wont feel lyk dooin dhem iff shee nos its fur sumwun uddur dhan hur. Awn dhe uddur hand, I kant see Kameel widhowt werrin ennee trowsurs. So wawt I disydid too doo waws too go an by a nyoo perr awv trowsurs.

Wen I had lett Dawlee owt too go to visut hur frend Ramasays dhe Sevunth at Willyums farm, I gawt myself reddee an sett awf fur dhe town - unfawrchunaclee dher is nowerr in dhe villij wer yoo kan by a perr awv trowsurs. Dhe buss waws layt as yooshool, an wen it kaym alawng it waws awlmoss full furom dhe stawps beeforr myn, an I had too stand widh my leggs toogedhur dhe hol way. As I gawt down furom dhe buss I kud heer morr rippin furom dhe baksyd awv my trowsurs, an had too wawk awl dhe way down dhe street to dhe draypree shawp widh my bak agenst dhe wawl, wich mayd sum peepul hoo kudunt myn dher on bizzness luk at mee straynjlee as iff dhayd nevur seen sumwun widh a hol in his panss beeforr. An dhen, wen I gawt too dhe shawp at lass, wawsunt dher a syn awn dhe dorr sayin dhat it waws klosd dyoo too a breevment in dhe famlee.

I stud dher a lawng wyl wundrin wawt too doo now. I waws in a desprit sichooayshun now, as I kud feel dhe wind kumin ryt up throo dhe hol an I nyoo dhat soon dhe rest awv dhe trowsurs wud disintigrayt. But as luk wud hav it, I glanst up an saw dhat dher waws anuddur shawp akrawss dhe rod dhat waws opin. It waws a wimmins shawp, butt I thawt dhat beggurs kudint bee choosurs an praps dhay wud hav a perr awv jeens dhat wud fitt mee. Dhers plentee awv fyn bigg lassees goin rownd dhe town, lett mee tell yoo.

An so I waytid fur a brayk in dhe traffik an sett awf too dhe uddur syd. Butt dhe kows fur sum reesun objektid too my tryin too gett throo dhem an beegan too shy away furom dhe rod awntoo dhe payvmint, werr dhay awl gadhurd lukkin in dhe windos awv dhe shawps. Dhe wuns lukkin in at dhe kemists windo juss seemd intrestid in dhe pikchurs awv dhe wimmin widh dhe suntan loshun awn, butt dhe wuns hoo werr lukkin in throo dhe buchurs windo werr nawt so pleesd. Suddinglee dhay awl sett up a bigggg rakit, bawlin at wun anuddur, an dhen dhay awl tuk awf down dhe street awn mass, widh dhe farmers men runnin aftur dhem. Wen I tryd too gett owt awv dher way I kudint help slippin in sum awv wawt dhay had leff behynd dhem (litrellee) an now I waws an evun sorryur syt dhan beeforr. An wen I went too opin dhe dorr awv dhe shawp, dhe laydees awn dhe uddur syd beegan too leen agenst dhe dorr as iff dhay thawt I waws a robbur awr sumting an wuddint lett mee in.

I tryd too eksplayn too dhem widh syn langwij dhat I juss wawntid too by sumting too werr. It okurrd too mee suddinglee dhat dhay werr nawt tryn too keep dhe dorr shut butt too opin it beekaws it waws stuk, an so I beegan too kik agenst it dhe way dhay doo awn dhe tellee, butt widh no luk, fur dhe dorr reefyoosd too opin.

An too my hawrrur hoo did I see lukkin owt widh dhem butt Kameel, hoom I hadunt non wurkd dher. I reelysd dhat shee wud tink mee a reel wimp iff I kudint evun opin a littul dorr, an I kikkd it evun hardur. Dhen, luklee, hoo shud kum alawn butt my frends dhe gards, an dhay tol mee nawt too bawdhur widh dhe dorr an juss too go alawn widh dhem an dhay wud luk aftur mee. So I went widh dhem too dhe stayshun an dhay gayv mee a bol awv wawtur too wawsh widh an best awv awl a gards yoonifawrm too putt awn until I kud wawsh my on klos. An dhay lett mee hav a lydown in my old sell dhat iss reelee beeginnin too feel lyk hom, an brawt my old frend Q T too see mee, an dhen I went hom widh him. I lykd dhe yooniform so much dhat I hav disydid too joyn dhe gards toomorro.

Tee lass nyt widh Maggee wawsunt as much fun as I thawt it wud bee. Shee waws in a verree funnee mood wen I nawkd, askin mee wy I didunt juss kum throo dhe windo as yooshooal. Wen I reemyndid hur awv dhe wawk wee wer sposd too bee taykin in dhe mowntins, shee sed shee had herd I had sumwun els too go wawkin widh nowdays. Dhen shee askd mee if I had seen hur kat, beekaws hee had gawn missin. An dhen shee putt my teekup down in frunt awv mee. I waytid fur hur too putt a playt down aswell, butt dher seemd too bee nuttin els forthkumin.

At lass I waws so hungree I had too ask hur wer waws dhe tee. Shee poyntid too my kup an sed, I invytid yoo fur tee, an dher it is. So durink up. I nyoo dhen dhat shee waws krawss widh mee an dhat dher waws onlee wun ting fur it. Maggee, I sed, arnt yoo a terribul gerl awltoogedher, an I pulld hur awntoo my lap an gayv hur a biggg kiss. An shee gayv mee a bigggg slap, juss lyk in dhos filums in dhe sinma. Butt sinss I had seen lawts awv dhees I nyoo wawt I waws sposd too doo, an I gayv hur anuddur evun bigggggur kiss. An shee slappd mee evun hardur an dhen wee fell awf dhe cher an ontoo dhe kat, hoo had sneekd bak wen wee wer bizzee. An hee gayv an awful skreech an jumpd bak owt dhe windo. An Maggee gawt up an stud dher lukkin at mee juss lyk Mawreen Oharra yoosd too luk at Jawn Wayn, sawrt awv haff angree an haff in luv widh him an I suddinglee reelysd dhat I waws in trubbul. Bekaws I am now a mann widh too gerls afftur him, wun I reelee luv (my nyoo wun furom dhe beech, Kameel) an wun I need too mend my trowsurs. I kan see Im goin too hav too tink dhis wun owt verree kerrflee.

Well - oops, I spos I shuddint reelee say dhat, in dhe lyt awf reesunt serkumstansis - Im bak an Im in luv. Yes, it has kum at lass, an it iss evreeting dhay say it iss. Dhe sun reelee dus shyn awl day, eevun wen its raynin, an I keep seein stars eevun awn a klowdee nyt. I am so pleesd dhat I went too tell Maggee furst ting dhis mawrnin, an gawt so eksytid dhat I fell ovur hur kat an throo hur frunt windo - (dhe kat iss now awn my liss awv enmees). Maggee sed dhen dhat Id bee seein morr starrs if I kep dhat up, roonin hur hows lyk dhat, butt shee had a reel twinkul in hur y dhat tol mee shee waws onlee jokin.

I no dhat QT has tol yoo awl abowt wawt happund too mee awn dhe beech, wen dhat straynjur attakd mee fur nuttin. Hee klaymd dhat I waws “loorin” dhe seegulls too wer hee waws lyin hiddun widh hiss gerlfrend by dhe rawks, butt nachurlee it wawsunt troo. I had onlee smeerd dhe rawks widh strawbree jam erleeyur in dhe mawrnin beekaws its dhe seegulls fayvrit, an nachurlee wen dhay hav eetun dhay lyk too visutt dhe toylet, juss lyk dhe ress awv uss. Dhen, wen I herd dhe noys awv hiss komplaynin, an went too see wawt waws happnin, I slippd awn sum awv dhe jam an landid awn hiss gerl, wich iss a mistayk enneewun myt mayk in dhe serkumstansis. An dhen, awf kors, wen hee gawt up an startid wayvin hiss arms arownd, dhe gulls gawt frytind. An wawt doo yoo doo wen yoo ar frytind? Eggzakly. An so doo burds. In fak, it waws a reel shaym dhat I wawsint in a pawsisshun too klekt dhe drawpins, beekaws I kud hav finshd my seeskayp in wun fell swoop, so too speek. Butt unfawrchunatlee dhe straynjur waws too kwik widh hiss trypawd – it turnd owt hee waws a fotawgrafur taykin klosups awf hiss gerlfrend – an dhe amblanss men sed dhayd nevur seen a three-in-wun lyk it.

Dhe straynjur went awf widh my frends dhe gards, hoo had been kawld by dhe amblanss men, sayin hees goin too soo mee fur damijin hiss prawpurtee, butt hiss gerlfrend showtid aftur him dhat shee waws no prawpurtee awf hiss, thank yoo verree much, an dhen shee turnd too mee an gayv mee a bigggg smyl, an reelee yoo kud say dhat waws dhe start awv it awl. Shee kaym in too visut mee evree day in dhe hawspitul, an wunss brawt mee grayps in a bawtul, wich shee sed iss dhe bess way too karee dhem, awldho wen I went too emtee dhem owt awntoo my lapp afturwurds dhay had turnd intoo wawtur, prawblee furom beein dher too lawng, an dhe nursis wer a bit krawss widh mee beekaws dhe bed gawt awl wett, aldho dhay wer laffin too, wich waws eezee fur dhem as dhay werunt dhe wuns hoo wer sokd. Laytur I sujestid too Feeona dhat neks tym itwud bee bettur fur hur too juss burring mee dhe grayps in dhe normul pakit.

Enneeway, so dhats how I met my nyoo gerlfrend an wee arr goin too bee verree happee an hoo nos, I myt eevun pawp dhe kweschun sum day soon. In dhe meentym Im goin too Maggees fur tee toonyt, as shee askd mee speshully. Ill lechoo no toomorro wawt happuns abowt dhe kat.

Please note that Galway Bart is unable to complete his diary for another couple of days, owing to an unfortunate accident while in pursuit of his artistic endeavours. This accident, which involved a stranger and a flock of seagulls, has rendered Bart incapacitated in a very delicate area of his anatomy, from which it will take him some time to recover. He is also not sure that he will be able to continue with his beloved seascapes, because of the sudden onset of a phobia induced by this experience. Bart would like to thank you all for your patience in this regard.

Q T Gudfernuttin, Solicitor to Galway Bart

Yoo may bee wundrin werr Iv been dhees lass fyoo days. Tooday Iv been in Dublin wer wee werr berreein my Ant Ysolda. Shee kudint bee berreed untill dhe gards had releesd dhe bodee aftur dhe poss mortum. My boddee waws releesd furom jayl at dhe saym tym, dhe gards havin deesydid dhat wawt happund too my ant waws a naksdent aftur awl. Yood tink shee wud hav bin morr kerrfull noin wawt happund too my purr fawdhur an muddur, wuddint yoo? Butt no, yoo no wawt shee waws lyk. Shee wudint bleev mee wen I tol hur dhat sumwun had taykun dhe lidd awf dhe well, an had too see it fur hurself, an dhats dhe reesult. An evurlastin sleep fur hur payns.

Dhe fyoonrul waws verree nyss, widh lods awv peepul hoo muss awl hav luvvd Ant Ysolda burringin flowrs an kards. Its funnee how durink eezus dhe payn awv lawss, beekaws afturwurds evreewun waws tawkin an laffin as if it waws sumwuns weddin awr berthday. Eevun hur purr hussband manijd too luk reelaksd, awldho hee kep lukkin ovur hiss sholdur as if hee ekspetud sumwun too creep up ennee minit an spoyl hiss fun.

Aftur a wyl dhe krowd gawt too tawkin abowt how it happund. I kudint help notsing dhat a lawt awv dhem wer peerin at mee as if spekyoolaytin awn wawt I saw, butt iff dhayd askd mee awl I wud hav tol dhem iss wawt I tol dhe pleess, dhat wen I ran aftur my ant, Dawlee ran aftur mee an havin for leggs shee iss much fasstur an sumhow shee bumpd intoo my ant an sent hur flyin fawrwurd, yess, yoov gessd it, intoo dhe well dhat sumhow had lawss its lidd. Awl I herd waws my ant sayin, in dhat plyt voyss awv hurs, Well, gudness grayshus, an dhen hur leggs wer dispeerin ovur dhe syd an aftur sevrul minits dher waws dhe sownd awv a splash in dhe distunss an dhen onlee sylenss. Dhe gards kaym kwiklee wen I kawld dhem (dher wer siks awv dhem) an wun awv dhem sed, hiss ys full awv thawtfull simpthee, An dhiss kummin aftur yur purr muddur dyd dhiss way too. An hiss fawdhur too, ses anuddur. A traktur pushd him inn, iff I reemembur rytly. Anuddur gard leend ovur kerrflee an sed, eggsaktlee how menee aksdents hav dher been down heer, dhen? Dhats wen Dawlee went too see wawt hee waws lukkin at an neerlee pushd him inn too. See, I sed. It kan happun so eezlee, juss lyk dhat.

Dhe gards sed dhay wer sawree butt awn akownt awv dher havin been so mennee aksdents widh dhe well, an mee havin been presunt at dhem awl, dhay had too tayk mee intoo dhe stayshun fur my on sayftee. I didunt mynd. It had been a verree long day an I wass hungree, an I reememburrd dhat wen my purr muddur had dyd dhe gards had kukkd mee a luvlee meel, so I sed dhat wud bee fyn an wawts fur dinnur.

Enneeway, aftur I had eetun (baykd beens, pawtaytos an fish fingurs, widh jellee an yss kreem fur afturs), dhay kontaktud my slisstur, Q T Gudfernuttin, hoo iss a distunt relayshun awv myn, an lett him sitt widh mee wyl dhay askd mee a fyoo kweschuns. Q T arraynjd fur mee too leev dhe jayl in dhe mawrnin, beekaws I needud a gud sleep aftur awl dhe eksytment. An aftur dhat I went up too Dublin on my traktur fur dhe fyoonral.

Enneeway, sittin dher at dhe taybul I kud see dhe peepul wer wundrin wy I wawntud too stay awn livin in my hom playss wer dher iss such a daynjrus well, butt dhay wer afrayd too say dhiss too mee in kayss it upsett mee. So I chaynjd dhe subjek by askin dhem awl iff dhay nyoo hoo waws going too gett awl my ants munnee awr had shee lef it too hur husband. An aftur dhat I went hom awn dhe traktur an Dawlee an I wen too bed as yooshooal. In dhe mawrnin Im plannin too ask Aymonn too putt dhe lidd awv dhe well bak wer hee fownd it, in kayss enneewun elss kums along hoo myt fawl in, maybee evun hiss gerlfrend Jesseeka.

Well, it waws anuddur unkumftabul nyt awn dhe settee fur mee. It turnd owt dhat Aymonn’s gerlfrend Jesseeka had moovd in wyl my bak waws turnd an hee iss reelee undur hur thum. Wee kudint tawk prawpurlee widh hur sittin dher lissnin too uss, an hee kudint go owt widh mee beekaws shee ses dhay arr sayvin harrd too gett marreed an hee iss nawt too spend ennee munnee at awl awn durink. Pur Aymonn had a kynd awv huntid luk wen shee sed dhis. I haytid too see sumwun hoo yustoobee so prowd an indupendunt hangin hiss hed lyk dhat. It reelee mayd mee kurinj. So now I had too prawblums, wawt toodoo abowt my anoyn ant an wawt toodoo abowt pur Aymonn. Reelee, sumtyms juss livin iss burdinsum.Wen I gawt hom hawblin I fownd pur Dawlee waytin fur mee beesyd dhe hedj. Shee had tryd too gett in dhe windo awv my room as yooshooal butt my horribul ant slammd it down neerlee choppin off hur tayl. Dawlee tol mee dhat shee awlso menshund sumting abowt Irish styoo, wich waws verree meen awv hur an mayd mee eevun morr determint too fiks hur wunss an furawl assoon as I kud. Normlee I juss push opin my dorr an go insyd, butt tooday I fownd dhat Ant Ysolda had lawkd it an shee pritendud nawt too heer mee nawkin. Wen shee did dayn too opin dhe dorr, shee tol mee too bee shur too wyp my feet wen I kaym into my on howss, wich waws infyureeaytin, an shee sed awlso dhat Dawlee wud hav too stay owtsyd lyk a propur sheep, dhe cheek awv hur. Nowun speeks abowt my Dawlee lyk dhat an getts away widh it, an I gayv it too my Ant Ysolda hawtt an hevee, I kan tell yoo. Dhis had such an effek awn hur dhat shee lett mee doo dhe wawshin up an awl hur yrnin wyl shee wawchd Koronayshun Street awn dhe tellee. An acleest its wawrm owtsyd dhese nyts, so Dawlee wont fureez.Laytur awn hoo shud kum rownd too see uss butt Missus ORylee so lyk dhe gennelman I am I left dhem tawkin toogeddur an went up dhe hill widh Dawlee fur owr eevunin konstichooshunal. As I went up Maggee happund too bee kummin down. Shee had awn wun awv hur partiklee prittee duressis, an I thawt awv komplimentin hur butt dhen I reememburrd dhat I didunt reelee lyk hur an turnd my hed dhe uddur way. Fur sum reesun dhis mayd hur laff an shee beegan too skip down dhe hill lyk a littul gerl sumwun has givin sumting nyss too. An dhen hoojoo tink I saw skulkin behynd a rawk butt dhat lamposs Mikee OHoolihan, hoos famlee my deer muddur awlways sed waws kommun as muk, an suddinlee it waws kleer too mee wawt had been goin on awl dhe tym behynd my bak. An I waws filld widh a rayj so terribul dhat I had too forss myself too go on up dhe hill or els I wud hav turnd rownd an givun Mikee such a belt dhat heed nevur furgettit. So now my lisst awv enimees iss getting longur, an has three peepul on it, my Ant Ysolda, Aymonns gerlfrend Jesseeka, an Mikee OHoolihan. At dhis rayt Im goin too need dhe hol Talyin Maffya on my syd.